I feel as if I have totally different motives compared to everyone else around me. It just seems like everybody is comfortable with staying still in their repetitive rotation of life, while I’m the one who strives for a change of course, a new adventure. I hate dealing with shady people who claim they are genuine, or people who only consider their own emotions over those around them. I want to fly and I honestly just feel like there’s people weighing me down right now. Nobody has any motivation to ever do anything. Actions speak louder than words, buddy.

I usually feel like I need someone significantly more than they need me. I don’t know if this is cause by a feeling of under appreciation, or easy attachment, but regardless it usually leads up to emotional disappointment, or self-loathing. Need implies a tad more desperate tone than necessary, but it’s definitely a better suited word than ‘want’. Maybe I just have relationship issues..

I always have this problem where I feel unmotivated to do anything. It’s like I go into this slump where I lack creativity and drive. I never have a consistent source to motivate me to push myself and better my talents, or reach my goals. I haven’t worked out, taken any worthwhile pictures, actively played a sport, or done something on my mini bucket list in so long. Time periods like this kind of just deprive your self-worth. I hope this is just an effect of college applications.

It’s time to pick myself up and get back on track.

This past weekend was definitely one to remember for the next few upcoming months. Parties and all that shit is fun, but when I wake up in the morning I’m immediately reminded of the reasons why I hate all the crap that comes along with it. It’s either I can’t stand being around people who define their lifestyles through excessive drugs and partying, or I grow tired of that type of scene really easily. I would rather surround myself with individuals who motivate me, or influence me positively than those who seem to need to feel intoxicated to enjoy themselves. I suppose senior prom shall be my exception, but other than that, I’m just going to focus on my priorities.

I have come to the conclusion that one of the main reasons why we always think back into the past is because during that time, everything in our life was going right. We may not have known it then, but in that moment, nothing seemed wrong.

Personally, I’m quite a nostalgic person. I tend to always think back to ‘the good ole days’ and reminisce about how things were so much simpler then. However, some memories leave a bittersweet residue. It makes you realize that things are different now compared to back then. People have changed, time has passed, and I’m stuck wondering when did it all go wrong. Of course I’ll always be thankful to have those memories with me and I still cherish them, but sometimes I wish I never had to look back. People say you learn from your past and your mistakes, but what if you were never at fault. What if the timing was just wrong, and things just couldn’t be perfect for that moment. The sad truth is that things and people will move on without you, whether you like it or not. So oftentimes, I’m stuck still wondering about the ‘what ifs’ when the people around me are living in the present.

Recently I’ve been having fairly vivid dreams. This is a pretty strange feeling to me because I normally don’t remember my dreams too well, and even if I do, I can hardly recall back on them two nights later. Maybe this phenomenon has to do with the fact that I’m sleeping around 5am every night, but disregarding that, I always felt like dreams were a way of your subconscious to convey subliminal messages or feelings to you.

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The only reason I went to parties and all that shit was to release my emotions. Truthfully, I’m not too fond of them. I realized that I was just frustrated with myself because I know I could have done better. I know that I’m a better person than what the last imprint you had of me was. That’s what really gets me, how I know that I’m a better person than that, yet you’re never going to have the chance to see it. Hopefully, you know that side of me too. I guess that’s the problem with being ‘young’. I’m quite naive. I thought I was mature enough, and that I could handle things on my own, but in reality it slowly broke me down and I just became frustrated and irritated too easily. I was mostly frustrated because I saw signs of the inevitable happening. I no longer had control and that was something to be very cautious about. I understand that I should just feel thankful and move on, but for some reason I can’t. It irks me because I believed so wholeheartedly that things would work. If it’s still any sign of my out-of-world intentions, I still have the important draft dedicated towards you us that is still waiting to be completed.

It’s ironic that I’m more motivated because I’m currently sick. I’ve gained ~8lbs since the new year. Now how much of that is muscle/fat, I’m not sure. However, I really want to start eating healthy, which means no more midnight snacks, fast foods, corner stores, soda, greasy foods, etc. This is pretty hard considering the types of stores around my school, but I hope to stick through with this! Someone do it with me?

Goals:

• Feel healthier (recover from my cold?) due to the foods I put in my body.
• Gain more energy from eating healthier foods.
• Cut down on fat / get more tone from workouts, conditioning.
• Incorporate this healthier and more nutritious diet into my lifestyle.